Eleanor awoke, sat up and wiped sleep from her eyes. Last night she promised her son she’d decorate the house today and released a dreaded groan at the memory. Christmas was only two weeks away and she hadn’t done a stitch of decorating.

Still sitting with her blankets scrunched around her hips, she lowered her arms and stared at the far wall where family pictures were hung. In the center was a portrait of her and her husband taken on their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. Although the sight of it always brought a pang of sorrow, she refused to allow herself to forget. The picture to the right was one of her daughter, Jenna, just after her eighteenth birthday and as beautiful as Eleanor could remember. The one on the left depicted her seventeen-year-old son, Colton. He was becoming a handsome man and she thanked God for him.

Lorne, her husband, had been gone for two years now-cancer took him. Eleanor’s heart still longed for him and now, with his smiling face staring back at her, the two of them looking so happy together, she grieved his passing once more. It was her normal morning ritual, sitting up and staring at their smiling faces in the photo, the picture taken on their last trip together. The cruise had been their celebration and the photo-shoot on board the ship a remembrance of their milestone.

Visions pricked her memory then, things she’d seen in her sleep and it confused her. Why would she have dreamt what she did?  Shaking her head in confusion, she swung her legs from the bed and slipped her feet into fuzzy slippers.

Today was Saturday and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. She didn’t have to work today and part of her wished she would. A whole day in the house was usually excruciating; too many memories bombarded her and the house was always too quiet.

After washing up, changing into sweats and a big shirt, Eleanor walked to the kitchen. Getting the coffee started, she reached for the package of muffins she’d bought and warmed one up in the microwave. Sitting at the table, she started on her muffin before the coffee was done. Waking up hungry was unusual for her but this morning she felt famished.

Thinking of things to be thankful for, a practice her pastor had suggested during grief counseling, she thanked God again for a wise husband who had left her with a good life insurance settlement. The house and vehicle were paid off and her monthly expenses were doable. Her part-time job was more for her mental well being than needing funds. Sitting at home every day would drive her mad, especially in the past year.

Her mind suddenly flipped, like it was prone to do, and sorrow welled up like a tidal wave within her. A memory of her precious daughter danced through her mind, of Jenna coming into the kitchen, full of life, her constant talking filling the room with energy. With tears trickling down her cheeks, Eleanor took the last bite of her muffin and wiped the tears away with her hands.

The last year was the toughest yet. Having her husband pass away was hard enough, but to lose a child too was devastating! Lorne had been gone for two years and she still struggled with that. And then, not even a year ago, Jenna was shot and killed, just after Christmas and it had torn Eleanor’s life apart. No parent should outlive their child, it was unnatural and cruel. It was everyone’s worst nightmare come true.

Jenna had gone to a friend’s house for a party in early January. The two girls, Jenna and Autumn, best friends, had planned it out together and chosen the guest list carefully, only including those they both agreed on. Unfortunately, Autumn’s ex-boyfriend decided to drop in. He’d made quite a scene, ending the party atmosphere in an instant with his threats on Autumn’s life. When the gun was pulled, Jenna did what Jenna would always do, protect those she loved. Stepping in front of Autumn, the gun went off and Jenna was gone.

The jilted boyfriend took off then, probably terrified by what he’d done, leaving Autumn alive. Although Eleanor was glad only one was killed that day, it had forever altered her existence. How was she ever going to survive the future? She’d asked herself the same question every day since Jenna’s life was cut down so viciously.

Forgiveness. It was an easy word to say but not so easy to live out. She’d walked through the process often, verbalizing forgiveness over and over. It was the only way she could stay free of bitterness and keep anger from ruling her heart. Her pastor had emphasized this to her often in the past year. He’d told her many times that this was the only way for her heart to fully heal. So she’d done it out of duty but her heart still bled daily. Maybe it always would. Healing seemed so unattainable. Memories of her daughter came at the most unannounced times, rendering her incapable of functioning.

Her job allowed her grieving time. Doing the books for a business owner from her church was perfect for her. Sitting at a desk, scrunching numbers, gave her the freedom to mourn when memories lambasted her.

Tears still flowed freely down Eleanor’s cheeks, the coffee machine beeping in the background informing her it was ready.

A sound at the door alerted her and she turned in that direction. Colton stuck his head through the doorway and said, “I’m heading out. My shift starts at nine.”

“Ok.”

He stopped and stared at her. “Are you okay, Mom?”

“I’ll be fine. Thanks for asking.” She wiped her face again, feeling more like the child than the mother.

Colton walked into the room, stopped before her, bent down, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. “Love you, Mom!”

“Love you too!”

“Text me if you need anything or if you need to talk.”

She smiled up at him through her tears. He was an amazing son and she silently thanked God for him. “Thanks.”

Nodding, he turned and left the room. Shortly after that, Eleanor heard the front door open and bang shut. The empty house was now her only companion.

Standing, she went to the cupboard and took out a mug. After filling it with coffee, she headed to the living room. The bare Christmas tree in the corner greeted her from the far side. It made her stop and stare. The dream from last night came back with a vengeance.

Could it be true? Were her departed loved ones truly experiencing what she saw in her sleep? Sitting down on her usual spot on the couch, she took a sip from her coffee mug and then set it down on the end table to her left.

Colton had brought the fake tree in from the garage two weeks ago and it still stood as green and bare as ever. Eleanor knew that for him it was easier to cope with the losses by moving on with life, keeping busy. For her that helped some, but when it came to decorating the house for Christmas, something in her rebelled. Jenna had always helped with decorating and now that she was gone, the very idea of doing it without her brought a heaviness that settled on Eleanor’s chest. Colton had mentioned decorating the tree a number of times. Eleanor just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Every time she thought of decorating, sorrow would assail her, leaving it hard to breathe.

Her thoughts flitted to the images she envisioned while asleep. She wasn’t sure if she’d had multiple dreams or just one with numerous elements attached. At first she’d seen Lorne walking towards her, the sweetest smile on his face and it was obvious he was thrilled to see her. His eyes glowed with love and she’d soaked it up. The item he held in his hands had drawn her attention next. What he held in his grasp was something she owned, it was in her box of Christmas decorations, an ornament, the word Peace hanging on a string. She recognized it immediately yet it looked different. It shone as though lit from within, an aura of light surrounding it, and pulsed slightly as though alive.

Looking into Lorne’s face again, she noticed a remarkable peace in his eyes that took her breath away. She wished she could feel a semblance of that kind of peace.

Then, from her peripheral vision, Eleanor noticed someone else walking toward her in her dream or maybe it had been a separate dream. She wasn’t sure. Auburn hair is one of the first things that registered and she knew immediately. Jenna approached with the biggest smile ever, her hair blown about her face by a gentle wind, her eyes dancing with laughter. She was holding something out toward Eleanor, another one of her Christmas ornaments; the word Joy! It glowed and glittered in Jenna’s hands, as though it were imbedded with thousands of diamonds. The more she gazed at the ornament, the brighter it seemed to become and the word appeared to be dancing in Jenna’s palms with surreal, small, lightening-like spikes emanating outwards.

Tears had wet her cheeks in her dream and she remembered wiping them away while watching her daughter approach.

Jenna stopped before her then, smiled in the way she always did and said, “Don’t cry, Momma. I’m in such a good place and I’m happy here. We’ll be together soon again.” Then with a bubbling laugh, she said, “It’s almost Christmas time!” With a toss of her head, her hair flipping to the side, she then turned and walked away. There was so much joy surrounding Jenna. Eleanor had felt the force of it in her sleep.

Next, in her night vision, Eleanor saw Jenna and Lorne together while they hung their decorations on a tree. It was like they no longer saw her but were consumed with their time together. The love between them was clear and strong as they talked and laughed about some inside information. They were well, whole, happy and anticipating the season.

The tree is what caught her attention next. It was the most beautiful Christmas tree she’d ever laid eyes on. The whole thing glittered and danced as though alive and a song seemed to radiate from it. It was a new song but it did sound Christmassy, with bells chiming and a choir harmonizing in the background.

As the dream faded from her thoughts, she couldn’t stop a smile from turning her lips. Smiles were rare for her. Only in the last few months had she started smiling again. Laughter was still a distant memory. Seeing Lorne and Jenna again, even though it was just a dream, had brought a sliver of cheer to her heart. To see Jenna happy after what had taken her life brought a shard of comfort. Eleanor hoped that what she saw was real.

A sudden and bizarre urge filled her to find those decorations, put on some Christmas music and to get the tree done. She suddenly knew it would make her feel closer to those who’d gone on. If Lorne and Jenna were celebrating Christmas together in Heaven, she wanted to join them, the best she knew how.

As she took another sip of her coffee, she envisioned placing those two decorations front and center, positioning them so she could look at them every morning as she drank her morning caffeine. Just maybe getting the tree decorated, having those two words highlighted, would bring her some of the peace and joy she saw on their faces, had felt in their presence, even if it was just a dream. If they were happy, she would choose joy too. It was one small way she could bring them into this season that had, in the last two years, only brought her sorrow.

Perhaps some of Heaven’s joy could make its way to her house this Christmas in spite of the grieving of her heart. The dream God granted her this past night not only comforted her but gave her hope and she sent a prayer of thanks to her Heavenly Father that saw her and knew.